she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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