I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
