if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
