Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
