shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
