Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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