alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
