Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
