Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
