you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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