Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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