I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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