ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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