no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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