Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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