hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
