Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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