I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
