I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
