You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
