I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
