I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Randomize
