This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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