I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
