I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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