Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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