your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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