I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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