you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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