Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
