meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
