My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
