I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
