Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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