the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
