I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
