I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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