By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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