im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
