you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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