I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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