she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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