apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Mom said you looked used
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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