I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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