So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
