Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
