I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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