I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
