well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
