just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
