if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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