That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
