went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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