I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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