So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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