It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
