What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
