Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
