I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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