remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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