Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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