the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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